


Our Loki, No Touch!

by Chiauve



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Community: norsekink, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-20
Updated: 2012-04-20
Packaged: 2017-11-04 00:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiauve/pseuds/Chiauve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a new superhero steps on the Avengers' turf and Loki has powerpoint slides.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Loki, No Touch!

**Author's Note:**

> From [this prompt](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/3231.html?thread=7288479#t7288479).
> 
> I had this idea rolling around in my head for a while and finally punched it out as _The Avengers_ approaches and my Avengers and Loki as frenemies fantasy will surely end, as it must. Can't wait for the film, but let me hold my status quo for a bit longer!  
>  Sorry about the ending, it just kinda fizzles out.

It happened sometimes, and was not entirely unexpected. As the Avengers rose in fame, many young up-and-coming superheroes dreamt of becoming one of the team. More often than not, they’d pop up in the middle of battle to try to show their worth. This was not preferred as they could often be more hindrance than help, and S.H.I.E.L.D. had enough trouble with sudden applicants. They sought out their heroes, not the other way around.

So no-one was surprised when the young superhero, dressed in gaudy tights with a flowing cape and hovering above the ground, showed up at the front of the mansion hoping to impress them. What did surprise them was with what he intended to do so. The young man dragged behind him the unconscious form of Loki, bloody and bruised.

“The Avengers’ number one enemy, and I got him for you!” the superhero crowed, “It wasn’t even that difficult, really…”

And again, no-one was surprised by Thor’s snarl of rage. They _were_ surprised as Tony stepped forward and punched the man across the face. They were all strangely… _angry_ about Loki’s mistreatment.

“Damn,” Clint mused as Thor moved to his brother’s side, “When did we start liking the guy?”

 

Perhaps it was that time that the Avengers threw a barbecue, as celebration and team-bonding both. Loki showed up as well, wearing shorts, a tee-shirt, and his helmet. They didn’t know how he’d found out about it, but since he towed several kegs behind him they let him stay.

(It was also revealed that Loki’s sense of fashion was not so impeccable after all. He wore socks with his sandals.)

The Avengers - and one supervillain - drank too much and laughed, cried, and woke up in various places and positions in the morning. Tony woke up in Fury’s bed with women who’d not been at the party; there was a suspicious Hulk-sized hole in the fence; Thor was on the lawn curled around Mjolnir and wearing Loki’s helmet; and Loki was sleeping on a blowup mattress in the pool, wearing nothing but his socks with _cheer up emo_ scrawled across his chest in permanent marker.

When he woke, Loki vanished into thin air, leaving the very hung-over heroes to clean up.

 

Maybe it was the postcard Loki sent. It just appeared in the shared kitchen area one day and read:

_**Wish you were here!** _

_No really, I’m bored. I might have to destroy a monument of historical importance or something. Come and stop me!_

_XOXO - Loki,  
Ruler of Midgard and your mom_

“Our mother is a pure woman, Loki!” Thor cried, and the Avengers hurried to Paris to stave off Loki’s boredom and the destruction that would follow.

Other postcards followed. They came from all over the world and beyond it. They stared in confusion at the blue postcard from Jotunheim that was really just a picture of ice.

“I don’t get it,” Tony sighed, handing it off to Thor.

“Neither do I. Jotunheim has no tourist attractions whatsoever.”

 

Or just maybe it was the fact that Loki somehow ended up on their holiday card list. That somehow was named Steve, by the way. Newly awoken in the modern age, the number of people he could send season’s greetings to was depressingly few. On a whim, he’d written _Loki_ on an envelope, no address, and mailed a cheerful little card with vague holiday wishes. He received one in return, equally vague but apparently sincere, despite the anthrax that came with it.

Every year since, the Avengers and Loki had exchanged holiday cards, despite Fury’s, well, fury.

Last year, as Christmas neared, the heroes stopped another one of Loki’s genius/eccentric/stupid plans and Thor had chucked him back to Asgard as always. (Tony and Clint set up the betting pool for how long it would take until Loki escaped/got banished.) They hadn’t expected a card, but one came anyway. A photo was tucked inside picturing a very angry Odin wearing a Santa hat, Frigga looking milf in a skimpy Mrs. Clause dress, and Loki wearing antlers. The back read:

_Thor,  
Mom and Dad say hi and I’m going to kill you.  
Cheers!_

 

No-one knew when it happened, but it did. The Avengers were just used to Loki being around. He was no less a villain, alternating between obnoxious and very grand pranks to sincere grabs for world domination (which Tony had managed to graph by date and discovered a pattern in Loki’s levels of aggression. His suggestion that Frost Giants went through PMS couldn’t be entirely ignored).

Either way, he was _their_ villain to take down.

 

Greg always wanted to be a hero. To stop evil and get the girls, as they said. He got his chance when a little green meteorite bopped him on the head on the way to class one day and imbibed him with _super powers_. A cool costume and some local crimes stopped in his town and he was ready to join the big boys. He was going to join the Avengers.

But how to prove his worth? He probably wasn’t the only one vying for a place among such legends. Then the idea came to him: take down a known villain himself! They’d have to let him join, then. But who?

Loki. Thor’s vile brother was the Avengers’ greatest enemy. What if Greg managed to get him, all alone? If he managed to catch the villain off-guard, he might have a chance. He just had to find the Trickster’s hideout.

Conveniently, Loki just happened to be selling his Ferrari on Craigslist at the time (as a career villain, he needed something more _sensible_ ) and Greg managed to pinpoint his location with minimal work.

The soon-to-be hero hovered outside the apartment complex. He’d expected something more…sinister, or at least expensive. Instead he got a pleasant building with kids playing on a swingset nearby. The hell?

He went inside and found the right apartment. The superhero within Greg wanted to burst in and take the villain out before he had a chance to prepare, but the building was so ridiculously anti-villain that he began to worry. Just in case he’d been wrong (or, more likely, Loki had put a false address), he knocked on the door. Nothing happened, so he knocked again.

The door opened, and there stood Loki himself, though not as Greg had ever seen him. His hair was a mess, eyes squinted shut in the morning light, and he wore a green robe thrown over pajamas.

“Do you have _any_ idea what time it is?” Loki snapped.

Greg hadn’t expected this at all. “…uh…”

Loki blinked at him, taking in his costume, and sighed. “Initiation week, huh?”

“What?”

“Look,” Loki leaned against the doorframe and rubbed his temples, “I’ve got powerpoint slides and everything, but this early in the morning could you make due with some pamphlets instead?”

Greg’s head was spinning. “P-p-powerpoint slides?”

Loki, misunderstanding Greg’s confusion for a preference, glared at him and shoved the door open wider. “Fine. I just assumed after all of Agent Coulson’s briefings you’d want a break. Hurry up.” He moved back inside, leaving his door open for Greg. The poor superhero could only follow.

“Coffee? I sure as Hel need it…” Loki grumbled, vanishing into the kitchen.

“N-no thanks.” This was the most surreal thing ever, and that was from a guy who got super powers from a meteorite bonking him on the head. “Nice place, by the way.” It was, it really was.

Loki reappeared with a grunt, a coffee mug in his hand. He was back in his usual villainous armor minus the helmet. He flipped open a laptop, pulled out a projector, and yanked a screen out from the ceiling like a goddamn cartoon. He gestured for Greg to take a seat on the couch. It was a very comfy couch.

If Greg thought things had been surreal before, his mind was blown as Loki launched into a class on the origins of Supervaillainy and its long-term effects on the global economy. He then moved on to S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers, but by then he’d grown so tired with his own presentation that he clicked through each slide quickly saying “I will kill him…kill him…kill her…torture then kill him…Ah! This one’s important.”

There was a picture of Thor on the screen, though Loki had clearly edited in some blood and such phrases as _Die Thor Die_ were scribbled next to him.

“This is my brother, my one true nemesis. However, please note that should anything happen to my brother and I find out you were involved, I will rip out your heart, eat it, and then give birth to you. I will then proceed to dress you in embarrassing little sailor outfits and push you around in a stroller and clean your face with an enspittled napkin. Understand?”

“…… _What?_ ”

“Good enough,” Loki said and turned back to his nonsensical class.

Greg had enough. Loki’s evil plan to entrap him had worked so far (he was a wily SOB, Greg had to give him that), but the hero had come to defeat this villain and prove his worth, and so he would. He’d honestly expected a fight, but he was sure that as he revealed that he was not fooled by Loki’s…whatever the hell this was, the Trickster would attack with all the fury for which he was infamous.

Rising from the couch, his fist glowing with boppety-meteorite power, Greg the Superhero lunged. Loki turned in time to receive a solid uppercut to the jaw. He flew backwards, through the screen, and into the wall before collapsing to the floor. The supervillain’s head snapped up, face twisted and ugly with rage.

“ _You_ ,” he hissed, power crackling around him as he began to rise.

The screen, ripped and swaying, fell free from the ceiling and conked him on the head. Loki dropped still, a small line of blood running from his hairline.

Greg just stared at him for a long moment, then shrugged.

“Well, that was easier than I thought.”

 

“Brother!” Thor cried, dropping to Loki’s side where the new superhero had dragged him.

“Hey!” Greg also cried, clutching his nose where Tony freakin’ Stark had punched him, “What the hell? I bring you your worst enemy and you _hit me!_ ”

“And who said you could attack _our_ villain?” Tony snapped.

Natasha pushed forward, standing over Greg in a frightening yet alluring fashion. “How’d you do it? Loki’s an Asgardian, they don’t go down easily.”

“H-he was trying to confuse me, but I got him while he was distracted with these damn powerpoint slides…”

The collective gasp of horror from the Avengers was as if Greg had just admitted he drowned kittens for fun.

“What kind of sick bastard are you?”

“Fiend! My brother worked _hard_ on that class!” Thor snarled, clutching Loki to him as if he was mortally wounded rather than simply knocked on the head. The jostling woke the Trickster and he shoved out of Thor’s grip.

“What happened?” he looked at Greg, “Did you _punch_ me?” He stood, dusting himself off angrily, “You know what, I don’t need this, I’m going back to bed. But make no mistake, Avengers, someday I _will_ defeat you all, but at a time of _my_ choosing!” Loki vanished in a swirl of green, leaving a forlorn Thor behind.

Tony sighed, bouncing on the balls of his feet, “Mid-month’s coming up, he’s gonna get cranky real soon.” He glanced at Natasha, “You guys sync up or something?” She glared at him.

It was Steve Rogers who pulled the bewildered young superhero to his feet.

“I don’t understand,” Greg stammered, “I bring you Loki, and you guys let him get away…I just…”

“Look, Loki’s our worst enemy, yes, he’s also our first and he’s strictly _ours_ ,” Steve explained, “and we’re _his_ superheroes. It’s a bizarre relationship and it makes no sense but it’s how things are. He doesn’t take kindly to other villains beating on us, either, though he’s less vocal about it. This was all in his class.”

“I stopped listening. I just wanted to be a hero.”

“Well, looking for trouble isn’t the way to go about it.”

“Clearly. I don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“Sorry to hear that. We’ll still be here if you change your mind.”

“Next time,” Tony added, “just be sure to listen to the crazy supervillain when he bothers to make powerpoints.”


End file.
